i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
