kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
