this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
