last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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