Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
