tonight lets celebrate not being married
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
