i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
