you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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