I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I will be naked everywhere
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
