but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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