New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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