I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
