i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
