I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
