I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
