So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Barsexuality is the new black.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
