I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
