I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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