I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
