i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
