corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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