I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
