Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
