I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
