I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
