He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
