the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
