Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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