I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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