My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Randomize
