i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm always down for nudity.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
