i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
