Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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