we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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