I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
