taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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