he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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