I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
People in love make me want to vomit
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Girls should come with a carfax report
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
