I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
