you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
