I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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