Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
