I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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