Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
