So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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