I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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