dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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