Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
