Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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