This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
